The Journey to the Path of Peace

Feels like I have been in a dark tunnel for a while now.

The darkness was so thick, I couldn’t see anything else, not even my next step. So, I kept on tripping and falling.

Every attempt to move ended in a fall, the obstacles were everywhere; they had infiltrated my mind and heart. I couldn’t see myself, I could only feel my bruises, the pain and emptiness in the tunnel. I avoided mirrors; I was afraid of what I would see in my eyes beneath the mask I wore every day. Sometimes, I wondered if I were still present or if I had become an illusion; a mere shadow of who I used to be.

I wasn’t so sure who I was anymore.

On the 22nd of September, I wrote in my notes- “In the past few months I’ve seen the worst parts of myself… the manipulative, the selfish, the reckless, the user… You’ve shown me two different mirrors; one of my present and the other of my future. I’ve seen all that I am on my own and I’ve seen all that I could be with you and you have asked me to choose my path.”

I stayed away from the world; I abandoned my assignment and responsibility to humanity and made the world about me and my problems. I was struggling on many fronts; I was weak and too afraid to let anyone see my weakness. So, I went into hiding. I have been hiding, trying to self-heal; trying to renew myself, but I was so empty, and I needed help but I turned away from humans believing I could do it on my own.

I became so self-centered and fixated on my challenges, and in return they overwhelmed me but for His mercy, I am not consumed.

We often wonder why people struggle. Why bad things happen to good people. I don’t know the answer. In fact, I do not have the answer to a lot of things. For example, I have struggled with my health for a long time and have always longed for good health; to live life without physical pain. This is one thing I still pray and hope for (funny that I can use the word ‘hope’ in relation to myself now; I guess my mind is healing and I am making progress) but this ‘good health’ is something  I haven’t quite been able to achieve over the years and I don’t know why. Will I call myself a good or bad person? Will I say some people deserve good health and others don’t? No, I won’t say that. So why do some people suffer? I have absolutely no idea.

But what I do know is that our paths are different, though our destination is the same. We all want to achieve our heart desires and fulfill purpose but the how, when, what and why is different for everyone of us. I have prayed for a lesser yoke but time and time again; I am reminded that I could not have been given more than I can bear and that all of it is indeed part of my journey without which my story would be incomplete.

I have been looking forward to coming back, but I felt so frail and unsure of myself, I wondered if I still had something in me to share with the world. Especially since it felt like there was no light within me and I had been stuck in a tunnel for so long.

One day in October, I painted something that made no sense to me at the time. However, I now realize I was painting the light I wanted to feel on the inside; the light I wanted to share with the world.

On the 26th of November, I wrote in my notes- “Some days are so tough that the only thing you can be thankful for is the air in your lungs. I’ve so many uncertainties and have suffered many hits; both those I’ve single-handedly created for myself and the ones I suffered at the hands of fate. So, I really cannot deal with anymore I need to breathe something other than disappointment.”

I was desperate for a win. I needed to win at something, anything… because the hopelessness was overwhelming me. I was at the brink of giving up until something happened (story for another day).

However, today, December 1, 2019. I am reminded of all I had forgotten, all the wins of my past years on earth… all my miracles and countless testimonies. It forced me to look within, to look in the mirror of my past to remember all that God has done for me. I had failed to be thankful for all that I have, and nothing steals away your joy and peace faster that ingratitude. 

Today, I am reminded that all we have is a gift and if we keep seeing it that way, we will always be thankful and grateful for what we have.

So, I am taking this step (to come back to serving) as a win… and I am hoping you can also take a step each day of your life with gratitude in your heart and hope in your mind.

Cheers to a December to Remember.

All my love,

E.