My Enemy, Unforgiveness

It has been a while since I have written to you. I hope you have been well? I have not been too bad myself; some months ago I turned 30 and would like to share the experiences I had the months leading to my birthday with you.

As you should already know, if you read this blog often, I have had monumental struggles with the ember months in the past, and being born in December may or may have not been the genesis of this struggle. Year after year, the ember months reminded me I had taken another 365 days around the sun and yet I had done nothing significant for (and to) the world.

Living life knowing there is a calling on your life to help people (your calling might be different) but not knowing how to go about it and knowing in your heart that without doing this, you will never feel fulfilled. Is weighty. But I have somehow lived with the weight of that knowing for about 5 years now.

It feels like part is in my control, another part is out of my control… but which part is which?

And when I realized I had no clue which was which, I was terrified. It felt like I had no direction.

Nothing has scared me more in my existence. Knowing that without this you may never feel complete, and yet not knowing how to go about it- is a helpless (and hopeless) state very similar to the feeling of being sick and the doctors don’t know what to do or how to help… So they hope the mind fights to survive so the physical body can heal or the person dies.

There is nothing worse than this feeling…. for me.

2021 came with a shift.

You know how they say a cosmic shift happens… Yes, something shifted and everything felt out of balance. It started gradually, but towards the end of the year as usual, the energy was greater. I could feel the turbulence within me. For someone that loves to have everything under control, nothing was happening as planned and nothing was bending to my will. This was very painful for me. It wasn’t yet clear to me what was going on… (and in so many ways a lot of things are still unfolding…) I was in the dark… so I was confused and angry… at God. I was going in circles and had been going in circles for almost 5 years! I was livid.

Yes, in my little mind, I felt I had some reason to be upset with God. It was an emotion I felt. You may call it anger, hopelessness…

But I still turned to God. I still prayed for His help in November, when I felt I was drowning. No matter how angry I got or how far I strayed away, I always knew deep down that I had nowhere else to turn to… It has always and will always be God or nothing.

Then something funny happened December 1. I went to church (physically) for the first time in almost 2 years, something I now recognize as the peak of my Cosmic Shift... 

The peak of the cosmic shift came with a realization- I had been living in deeply rooted unforgiveness, and not until December 1, 2021, was I consciously made aware of this. You know how at church they preach to forgive your neighbor and everyone that has offended you. Well, we have to extend the same forgiveness to ourselves when we fall short. I had not been very kind to myself; instead of showing myself mercy and forgiveness, I had punished myself.

As a perfectionist, I held myself to the highest standards in everything I did. I was hard on myself to do right and harder on myself when I felt I had made mistakes. And I’ve made quite a lot of mistakes, some I could clearly see and some I could not recognize until this shift happened.

Did you know that if you refuse to forgive yourself, you hinder yourself? Cause even God has already forgiven you for everything and now it’s just you holding yourself back.

I did not recognize that I had stopped myself from dreaming certain dreams out of unforgiveness. I subconsciously told myself I was not deserving. It took me almost 4 years to realize what I had done- I had held myself hostage in unforgiveness. This was the one mistake I did not realize until the shift happened; the mistake was not in the crime I had crucified myself for, but in my unforgiveness of self…

What is it you think you have done that the earth has not heard of? What is it you have done that you believe is unforgiveable? Please, let it go, let yourself off the hook… because there is nothing unforgiveable. Absolutely nothing… and Christ already paid the price, so why condemn yourself, why suffer in pain, rejection and despair over an action you cannot undo?

There is, therefore, no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus

Romans 8:1

Some things in life may never happen until you let go, and forgive anyone that may have hurt you, including yourself...

Having lived an almost passive life in the four years before my 30th, it was hard to recognize what was happening at first, but somewhere along the line; it got clearer to me. I was on the doorstep of a transformation. And things had to give way… for an even a greater shift was about to happen, but I resisted.

It took me 25 days later (December 26, 2021) to take the first step towards forgiveness… and it opened the door to transformation.

Growth is painful. I’ve done that a few times and it hurts… it shakes the entirety of your being up…. Empties you. Leaves you bare and undone. It will take you to the beginning, like a child, learning how to walk; and learning to walk a fresh path is no walk in the park. But no matter where I turned and tried to run to… it became clearer that there was no other way but through this path.

I had to let it go… I had to unpack a lot of things that I had suppressed.

And as the stubborn human I once was (speaking positively to manifest the change, Amen!)… you can only imagine the arguments I had within myself. The back and forth. The resistance. One would have thought that at this point I’d already know better; that His will supersedes mine and no matter what I do, I cannot change His plan.

I am understanding now that everything moved out of place when the seed of unforgiveness formed. And everything just started moving back into alignment… during the ember months I dreaded so greatly… what an irony.

I honestly do not know where this journey is leading me to.

But I am riding along, I am riding mostly terrified… because for me there is no plan B or failsafe anywhere, this is it; it is this time or never. Enough of the circles… the confusion, the lost feeling… There is no going back to that. Whatever lies ahead, I pray for grace to tarry through and emerge reborn (ready).

So, dear friend, search through your heart and if there is unforgiveness somewhere, it is time to let it go. It is not worth your peace, growth, and future.

And on that note, PALs, I am back… write to you again, soon.

All my love,

E.