Depression can be Self Induced- Watch Your Thoughts!

Welcome to PAL’s first Guest Post! Drum rollsssssss

I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I did – E.

You do not decide the weather; you don’t know when storms will bend your branches, or winds will whip off your leaves. You don’t know whence you came, neither do you know how you would be leaving. You can’t do anything about what you have no control over; let it be, let it go. 

That quote must make me sound like some Socrates, right? Not to worry, these words aren’t completely mine. Though these have been my daily reminders for some months now, they are more like ‘notes-to-self’. 

I left my job in August, and I gave myself a deadline to get back into employment. I believed I would bounce back September ending, give or take. For someone who had never applied for a job and sat on one for 6 post NYSC service years, you can forgive my naivety of the labour market and its working as regards employment. But I mean, I was fine; I got a good paycheck. I could sleep in Paris for 2 months and still be fine. However, I realize that having money is not an antidepressant, neither is it a depression exemption. Since I left my job, I had colleagues call me occasionally, courtesy calls and all. One morning in October I got one of those calls, though this wasn’t unusual, the impact was. It kick-started my self-induced depression. You would have to excuse my tautology with self-induced prefixing depression. I believe depression is on its own self-inflicted. 

It was Alhaja that called. “Obasa 1” as she fondly whined, “so what are you now doing?” I responded, “Alhaja, I am just sleeping and waking up, waiting for something new,” and then she exclaimed, “Ah!” You would think I shared my death sentence with her. For the period the conversation lasted, I kept wondering why she exclaimed, little did I know, that I had just invited trouble to my mind by letting those words roam around my head. Which is what I meant by “self-induced”. For hours, I ruminated on Alhaja’s exclamation; What did it mean? Was she echoing the thoughts of most people in my office? Did they think things have gone worse for me? How am I being perceived? Jobless? Spoilt brat? Irresponsible? I had travelled far into negative thoughts with just her exclamation of “Ah!”

Because of that call, I isolated myself, and tried manufacturing the job I would resume to. And as each day passed, without a solution, I was becoming weary. By Monday the following week, I was in the hospital. First, it was RTI (respiratory tract infection). By Wednesday I was back there, Ulcer, High Blood Pressure and after an ECG scan, a slightly enlarged heart. I can’t bore you with unnecessary details, but I can tell you this much, these emanated from what I allowed to get to me. I was fine and patient about my plans until that call.

The moment you allow people, either something they said, or their actions impact you negatively, you lose your identity. 

I woke up one morning; I think a week after my diagnosis, and I thought about it, what if all these emanated from that singular conversation with Alhaja? I reminded myself of how things happen when they are supposed to and how allowing external forces redefine your timelines becomes negative pressure, and it’s only one way from there, and the way is down. Once I identified the problem, I could snapback, in what I call a reckless manner- I got up, trashed all my drugs, had a shower and that was it.  

After this, some words of encouragement came my way; The first one was from E, she mentioned something that struck me, ‘I believe when it’s your time it’s your time, because even the universe would align to make it happen, what is yours would never leave you or pass you by’. Then Pastor Sam backed it up for me from the scriptures “let us not be weary in well doing, for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not” Galatians 6:9. These words aren’t ordinary; I had to meditate on them vigorously to turn the tide around. I’m better for it and more equipped for future occurrences. 

Now, I am not saying it must get to this point before you take control of your mind and thoughts; I am just saying that even if you get to hit rock bottom you can always bounce back. What didn’t kill me, has strengthened me and left me better informed for next time (hopefully there won’t be). 

Depression is no joke, and it’s more of you ‘doing yourself’ unknowingly, if I can put it that way. Appreciate where you are, what you have, whilst being positive about where you wish to be. That way you hold on to the hope of positive things happening which will prevent despondence, which is a component of depression. 

We all set out to achieve something. We wake up every day to do whatever we do to get closer to that which we have set our minds to. Sometimes it comes faster than we hoped, sometimes it looks like it’s not even coming, despite serious efforts, but that’s not the time to be downtrodden, keep at it, and always remember:

There is a time for everything, when your cloud is full, your rain will fall.

I would like to say a big thank you to E, for the opportunity to share my story on this platform. She was a part of my healing process from this self-induced depression.

Anon.