What Is Love?

In recent times, I realized that I didn’t really understand the concept of love. I had questions like “what is love” roaming through my head and I often told people that I did not know what love meant.

Yet, I knew I loved my family, friends and God… To all different degrees, but yes, love was present.

So I was even more confused. If I didn’t know what love meant, how was I sure that what I felt towards God, my family and friends was love? Oh, and there are humans that I have never met that I also love!  How is this even possible? Automatically, my curiosity took me on a journey to search for answers.

My first clarity came from a reminder to self that they are distinct types of love. 

I subscribe to the belief that there are distinct types of love, which I categorize into three parts- a) God’s love to us, b) our love towards our self, family/friends and c) our love towards a partner. 

I will quickly summarize;

A- Agape

1. Agape- The radical, reckless and unconditional love (This is God’s love towards us, and only VERY few transformed beings can sustain this type of love overtime).

B- Philautia, Storge, Philia

2. Philautia- Self Love. Showing affection, care and compassion towards one’s self.
3. Storge- The familiar love, the type of love shared between family
4. Philia- Affectionate, Platonic and Respectful love shared among friends

C- Ludus, Eros, Pragma

5. Ludus- This is more like infatuation (a playful or flirtatious type of love)
6. Eros- Passionate, physical (sexual) type of love shared between sexual lovers.
7. Pragma- Enduring love, a love that grows with time, two people actively putting effort to grow together.

So what is love? 

My religious fellas will say God is Love, and truly God is the Agape type of Love. God is who he is. There is no question to his ability. He is absolute.

To understand love is to first understand who you are and your abilities. Who are you?

I’d go first- I am a depth seeking, imperfect human. Before all the names we may call ourselves, we are first, Human. And to be Human is to be imperfect.

So what kind of love can an Imperfect human give? Before you answer, remember that we can only give what we have from who we are… 

Another important thing to note is this; when we tap into the power of the Spirit, we are no longer ordinary humans; it transforms us to gods in our own right (Christ in us the hope of glory). Only then can we attempt to love the way God does.

So, the question is, where are you at in your transformation journey? Are you still a pure, imperfect human or are you a transformed spiritual being?

In the past, I judged my inability to experience certain types of love and even judged my actions because my expectation of myself wasn’t what was humanly possible to give except with the help of God. And I honestly haven’t completed my transformation yet.

Have you ever experienced that feeling of excitement when you meet someone and it appears it is all going good and beautiful, and right after two months (or more) you just fall off a cliff and it all vanishes… and you wonder, did you even feel anything at all? Was it real? 

Yes, it was something; you felt something.. Not just what you hoped for.

Just because it wasn’t lasting doesn’t mean it was nothing.

When we speak of Love in today’s world most people immediately link it to an Eros type of love with the expectation of an Agape kind of commitment. And I have fallen victim of this thought process several times, forgetting that we have various types of love.

Once you catch yourself feeling something towards a potential partner, remember that it could be purely Eros or Ludus.. Only time (and the effort you put in) will tell if it will be a Pragma love or not.

I am someone who is so passionate about the world, helping humans… as many as I can. I love people, and while I am deeply capable of all forms Part B (Philautia, Storge, Philia) I struggle intensely with Pragma. I realize that what I’m capable of (at this time) towards a partner is Ludus and Eros, things that could fizzle out as fast as lightning for me… 

Some of us can experience certain types of love much more than others, because of who we are, being gifted with certain characteristics that make it easier to flourish in certain types of love more than the others.

Doesn’t mean we are cold-hearted or broken just because we find it harder to flourish in certain types of love, it just means we need to grow certain characteristics of love in us.

I recently read 1st Corinthians 13 again, and I played a minor game with myself. I put my name in front of all the characteristics listed to check how much of me was love and I realized I still have much work to do on myself.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy; it does not boast; it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking; it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Growing these characteristics will help you in achieving the type of love you desire.

If love is a choice, then you have the power to choose.

However, don’t be in a hurry to choose to feel an enduring type of love… I always expected myself to fall into some magically perfect love but I have also come to realize that love is not something you fall into, it is something you choose.  It is a choice. 

God choosing to give his only son to die was a choice. He did it. He loved us enough to do it.

So, go into every relationship making a choice on the type of love you want to give. How far you want to go… Remembering that you cannot control what the other person feels, you can only choose for yourself.

In summary, through my search for understanding, I realize the only perfect love is the love of God. Obvious right?

However, many of us still expect ‘perfect love’ from humans… 

I am not saying humans cannot love truly, or shouldn’t put in their best, or work on being transformed beings, but they can only go as far as is humanly possible except they have experienced a transformation..

Yet, only a few transformed beings can love unconditionally without expectations, regardless of whatever the object of their loves does, let alone an imperfect human. 

The question you must answer for yourself is this, if you choose to love someone who hasn’t undergone a transformation,  is their humanly best going to be enough for you to accept them as they are?

So, be easy with yourself (and others), growth does not come overnight.

As some of my friends would say “E, you’re not Jesus Christ”

All my love,

E.