Goal Setting- In Social Comparison Context

I have been in a Zen mode for the past couple of months, processing things from the core of my being and listening to my mind… these times have forced me to think deeply on certain topics like; happiness, contentment, connections (relationships), achievements and Social Comparison. I have considered what they mean to me as a person and how they affect the value I place on my life. It has been an eye opening journey for me; I am still very much on this journey, but I thought to share my findings so far with you.

Because what use is all of this knowledge if I don’t help someone see the light, too.

The Question

I often had one question on my mind in the past months, “Will I be happy 10 years from now? Will all the decisions I am making today lead me to happiness tomorrow?”

And in my attempt to answer that, I had to analyze my now and there came a flood of other questions.

• Why aren’t you happy now?
• What about now is missing?
• Why aren’t you contented?
• What more do you need to achieve to get there?
• Or who do you need in your life to find this happiness you seek?
• What is missing?

We live a world where no matter who you are or what you have, there will always be something missing when you compare your life to another in terms of achievements and so on.

One major problem in life is the ideology of goal setting (in social comparison context)

Social Comparison Theory:

The proposition that people evaluate their abilities and attitudes in relation to those of others in a process that plays a significant role in self-image and subjective well-being. 

https://dictionary.apa.org/

This is something that happens to the best of us, but a lot of us are not self-aware enough to realize that goal setting (in social comparison context) is our BIGGEST problem in life. It puts you on this race for more.. You ace one, to set another, ace that, to set another.. and it goes on till the day we die. Because goal setting (in social comparison) sets us on a never-ending CHASE.

A journey that uses up our sweat, a journey that takes away gratitude…hardly gives any form of lasting satisfaction or fulfillment, a journey that takes our focus away from everything that matters, most especially contentment and connections (relationships). It leaves us feeling like all we have done is nothing… it keeps us on the pedestal of MORE.

Someone will ask me, “So, are you saying we shouldn’t set goals? Won’t life feel empty without goals? What would we do with all of our time?”

Instead of goal setting I would suggest figuring what you are really about, by finding your purpose and honoring that calling. Because these goals we set in comparison to one another are our mundane assignment to self and not the real reason we are here (on earth).

I mean, do you think you came to this world just to buy houses and cars? or to be Forbes list richest men/women… do you really think that is why you are here?

Think again…

Because one thing is for sure, the reason you are here is beyond what you have to gain from this world, but in everything you have to give it. We are not here to gain or get… we are here to give, serve. So we will eventually give everything we struggle so hard to get away… (but this is a story for another day.)

-E

In reality, life is full without goals. If only we would look inward (to discover our purpose and appreciate the gifts we have), rather than looking outward in social comparison. If we were walking in our purpose and focused on that path, we would realize that setting goals (in social comparison context) crowds our lives, and distracts us from walking our own path.

The ideology of goals will always mean there is more to do, and most times, it belittles all that you have achieved over time to make you see the need for more. The real question is this, if you didn’t have to look at what your neighbours were up to, will everything you have right now be enough?

We become so blinded by the carefully curated lives of others; we see them doing more or having more, and we go wishing. Thinking something more out there will make us feel better about ourselves; will make us feel more complete, satisfied, even happy…

but the more you get, the more you want… ‘more’ made no one contented, ever.

-E

As humans we are motivated to fulfill our basic needs (see Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs). Usually, fulfilling this on a base level is enough as it is to give you happiness, contentment, and fulfillment (if only you’d set your compass right). But with exposure comes, social comparison and unrealistic reference point of what our base level should be.

Figure out your base level. Not by societal standards but objectively look inward and ask yourself “what is my motive behind this want? what is truly enough for me?, at what point does all my wanting become materialism, greed or a pointer of a bigger problem of ‘self worth’?”

For example, no matter how much you alter your body, you will always feel like there is better out there. There will always be a body better than yours.. you will always want more. The problem with weight-loss or gain isn’t the weight, but how we see ourselves and the motive behind the gain or loss we are trying to achieve. Check your motive and change how you see yourself, learn to love who you are beyond the flesh because the flesh will always be subjected to wear and tear… you won’t always look ‘young’, you may not always have a ‘hot body’… but is your body all there is to you?

All the things we buy, the clothes, the gadgets, the houses and so on… do you really feel contented afterwards? or do you just tick that off and ask yourself “what next?” (while looking at what your neighbor has?)

Many of us build our lives around these (social comparison) goals and kick all others things to the curb… we forget to maintain healthy connections, we forget gratitude… we lose sight of everything that matters chasing these goals that will never be enough…

So… Yes, we need goals to improve ourselves and our standard of living. For example;

• Setting goals for a new job to sort your mounting bills of responsibilities
• setting weight loss goals to prevent obesity
• or gain to avoid being underweight,

but in setting goals you should set your compass and reference point right.

Want things for the right reasons, don’t just set new goals of MORE because others are doing it. Don’t kick connections (relationships, friendships) to the back and raise gathering wealth (in monetary terms) above every other thing that matters… because all we need is wealth enough to fulfill basic needs… additional wealth is welcomed but not worth trading the things money cannot buy for.

The Answer

Sitting at home for over 100days, I wondered to myself, these things I have accumulated are to what end?

I couldn’t use any of it, I couldn’t go anywhere… I relied on the basic things I always needed, I relied on what mattered.

God, food, shelter and connections.

I realized what was missing all along was perspective. Having the right perspective to life.

We do not find lasting happiness in acquiring things, we find it in just being our authentic selves and doing what we are called to do (purpose).

-E

In summary, Goal setting in Social Comparison context is the culprit of why nothing you achieve is enough, and you keep wanting more…
It’s not that what you’re doing isn’t making sense or enough for you to be contented, you’re simply unhappy and dissatisfied because of what you believe you should have accomplished (by now and didn’t)

If you did not have those goals, you’d be happier. Because let’s face facts, you accomplish one thing only to set another goal and the sick cycle of 2 seconds contentment and a lifetime of chasing (shadows) goals continues.

Don’t get caught up in that web.

All my love,

(Zen) E